Normal people would have thought nothing of it but I saw right through their misdirection misspelling of the word gay. I realized I'd need more proof in order to blow the lid off this thing so I started "hanging around" (staking out) Steve (the gay guy I work with)'s cubicle around lunchtime. For several weeks, nothing looked amiss although he seemed to be eating in such a way as to never give someone who might be passing by a good look at what he was eating. But then he got careless.
I saw him start to peel what appeared to be a normal banana. Instead of the usual soft, pale flesh inside, however, this had alternating bands of what appeared to be banana, watermelon, cantaloupe, and kiwi. An entire fruit salad inside a banana peel! I immediately sprang into his cube from my hiding place across the hall.
"Hey Steve, what's that you're eating, it looks good." I said. He tried to quickly shove the entire thing in his mouth but, miraculously, failed.
"Oh, hi Rick," he tried to mumble through a mouthful of miracle fruit, "Nothin', just a banana."
"That's one crazy lookin' banana," I said, "Why does it have all those different colors?"
"Huh, I guess you're right," he said, "Must have gone bad, better throw it away."
"Not so fast, Steve," I said. "I know all about the gay food supply so why don't you just come clean!"
He tried to laugh it off and deny everything, but I wasn't having any of it. I'd come too far.
"Ok look, Rick, you've always been a supporter of equal rights for our community and I'd like to tell you more but I just can't...you don't know what you're messing with...there are powerful forces at play here," he said cryptically.
"Steve, how long have you known me?" I replied, "You can trust me."
"Well...Ok, but you don't sporadically publish some poorly read internet blog or anything, do you?"
"Pssht, me? Noooooo, nothing like that," I lied, crossing my fingers behind my back to absolve me of any repercussions of my dishonesty. He went on to tell me one of the most fascinating tales I've ever heard in my life...
He told me that there's a secret plantation in the Maldives that was started by Alexander the Great, who, presciently, worried that one day homosexuals might be persecuted and need a stable food supply of their own. For centuries it has employed the best gay geneticists, botanists, and gourmands in the world, with operations currently being overseen by none other than Neil Patrick Harris. Damn, that guy's multi-talented. I sat in stunned silence while he finished his tale, and then asked him if I could have a bite of his fancy banana.
"Rick," he said, "Do yourself a favor and never taste anything from the gay food supply. It's so delicious that you will never again be satisfied by straight food."
"So wait, you're saying that once I go gay, I'll never go...a word that rhymes with gay that means back but also has a vague food connotation? Maybe something like Once you go gay, all other food tastes like hay?"
"Exactly," he said, "And besides, I can't supply you with gay food...its distribution is strictly rationed and the consequences for giving it to straights are, well...let's just say that the guy from that movie Milk's death might not have been an accident."
"Wait, how could that have been an accident? Wasn't he shot?"
"Exactly."
"Wait, so is there more than just the fancy bananas?" I asked.
"The Rainbownana is just the tip of the iceberg," he said "We have carb-less bread that's much more delicious than regular bread, non-habit-forming wines so delicious they bring tears to your eyes, and meats the likes of which you couldn't even fathom."
"Oh right, what do you guys have like a pig that poops bacon without harming the pig?" I asked jokingly.
"Who told you about Gayc-Os Bacon Shitz? Those aren't going to be released until 2016!"
I couldn't believe what I was hearing. This was some next level conspiracy stuff. Despite my promise to never tell a soul what I'd heard, I couldn't help but blog about it. Plus, it's the 100th LickandRiz blogpost. In what was probably an unrelated incident, I saw Steve being led out of the office by two handsome and impeccably groomed gentlemen in perfectly tailored suits the day after I uploaded this. I started to worry a bit when he missed the next two days of work but then on the third day he was back. Whew. I went to go talk to him over lunch but he was busy eating a regular banana and a Healthy Choice Lunch Express microwavable pasta entree and sobbing quietly to himself.
