My Retirement Fund

I was never a huge sports card collector; I never bought a pack of cards in my life. I own two complete sets: a 1988 Topps and a 1991 Donruss. I bought a few rookie cards here and there, however, (from Shinder's) either rookie players I thought were going to make it big or up and coming stars whose careers were nearing their peak. I was recently home rooting around in my mom's basement and decided to grab my collection on a whim. Twenty-five years and change later, it has become clear that my collection is a veritable who's who of unrealized potential, wasted talent, and outright disgrace.

Observe: the unrealized potential

Shane Mack had a five pretty good years with the Twins, finishing his first year with the team (1990) batting .326. This performance, combined with his obviously spectacular mustache, made me run out and spend $4 on his team USA card. Shane went on to have some good and some not-so-good years, going 3 for 23 in the 1991 World Series. Although it's tough to say a nine year MLB career is a failure, he never reached his full potential.

Current estimated value: 40 cents.

Ellis Burks and Mike Greenwell made their Red Sox debuts in 1988 to great fanfare and were predicted to give the Sox a dynasty of dominance. I was surprised to learn Burks played until 2004 and is rated the 240th best hitter of all time (two spots ahead of Kirk Gibson), although his superstar potential was never realized. Greenwell played all 11 of his seasons with the Sox and finished with a highly respectable career B.A. of .295. Again, never a superstar and as everyone knows the Sox would not win a WS until the current century.

Current combined value: under five bucks.

Ah, Bo Jackson: 2-sport athlete, physical specimen, mainstay of Nike commercials. I remember asking my dad whether he thought Bo Jackson was the greatest athlete of all time. He laughed and taught me the phrase "flash in the pan." Pretty much. Eight injury-plagued seasons, .250 lifetime, 141 dingers. Current value: $1.99 (buy it now price on Ebay).


It's probably unfair to include Ken Griffey Jr. with the previous entries--22 seasons, 630 career homers. But given that he was supposed to be the greatest player of all time...well, he isn't. In a word: injuries.

Current value: about 8 bucks.

And now, on to the embarrassments to the game of baseball:

Chucky K: 1991 A.L. rookie of the year. Spark Plug. Hard-nosed player. Dollar hot dog target. Massive douche. After 7 very good years with the hometown nine, Chuck made some less-than-complimentary comments about MN and the Twins and headed off to NY to don the pinstripes and take his place in history as one of the best second basemen of all time. Despite winning four WS he basically peaked as a rookie, famously losing the ability to make a throw from 2nd mid-career. Some other career highlights: arguing with the umpire rather than chasing down a ball that was in play, allowing Cleveland's Enrique Wilson to score from first base and giving the Tribe a 2-1 lead in the 12th inning of a game in the 1998 ALCS. Hitting Keith Olbermann's mother in the face with an errant throw into the stands. And finally, hitting and choking his common-law wife. Current value: two bits. I am currently accepting ideas for the best way to deface and destroy this card. Bicycle spokes are too good for this schmuck. Bonus points for feces utilization (human or animal).

Enough said.

Current value: I found several people giving them away for free online.

Mark McGwire. Big Mac. Broke the Babe's single season home run record. Has a section of I-70 in St. Louis named after him (although there is a large online effort to have its name changed back to the Mark Twain expressway. Who made the more substantial contribution to American history? You be the judge). Oh yes, and it turns out he was a total cheater and steroid aficionado. He does deserve some respect for admitting, albeit tacitly, his steroid use.

Purchase price: 10 bucks.

Current value: 45 bucks! Really? Anyone want to buy a disgraced slugger sports card?

And finally, "Successful" careers but no monetary value to their rookie cards:

$1.50
$0.40



Worth 4 bucks.

I bought this card from a neighbor kid when I was about 12. The kid wanted ten bucks but I said I only had five. My brother helpfully pointed out that there was a ten right in my top drawer. Thanks to Mark I lost six smackeroos instead of one. So there you have it. We should be able to retire on $66.04, right?