Broken Glass, Loose Change

I find myself thinking about strange things as I bike to and from work. Ever since I rode part way out into an intersection through which an ambulance was barreling, I quit listening to my ipod during rides. This leaves my mind dangerously unoccupied and prone to wandering and/or noticing things. For example, did you know it is impossible to ride more than a mile on a St. Louis city street without seeing a discarded chicken bone? It's the truth. Who, when in the market for a snack on the go, thinks "Ooh, chicken wings!" The proper administration of bleu cheese alone would be a logistical nightmare, to say nothing of the mess potential and the obvious dangers of driving with an open beer. Actually, the driving with beer thing isn't that big of an issue in St. Louis. I guess I should just be happy that people aren't falling for the farce that is boneless wings (yeah, I'm looking at you, Chili's). This message brought to you by the Mama Cass institute for safe automotive snacking.

Another thing I've noticed is that the amount of broken glass on the roadway is perfectly negatively correlated with the affluence of that neighborhood. Not surprisingly, about one in every ten cars you see parked in those neighborhoods either has a flat of or is rolling on the donut. I've observed the same pattern here in Boston. Then, it hit me--what if this phenomenon isn't just the result of lower class/education people being more likely to throw bottles out their windows which leads to more flats? What if correlation, twice removed, equals causation? Maybe...broken glass is the cause of poverty.

OK, brace yourself now for what I'm about to drop on you--what if this broken glass/disabled car/low socioeconomic status cycle isn't coincidental at all? What if it's a massive conspiracy to keep us (them) down? Think about it, what better way to subtly subjugate the poor? Pretty tough to get to work or college with a flat tire. And who has time to work anyways when you're taking your kids in for stitches twice a week.

OK, so let's talk suspects. First, who would have the motive to perpetrate this scheme? Who has the means? Well, I guess anyone with access to glass bottles would have the means, so let's focus on motive. My initial suspect was, of course, The Man, possibly acting in conjunction with Whitey. But then I remembered Whitey keeps pretty busy suppressing minority voters this time of year and The Man gets pretty preoccupied with keeping the worker "down" and having "it" "stuck" to him all the time that he'd hardly have time to spread glass shards throughout every poor neighborhood in every major city in the U.S. (Sidenote: The Man is one kinky S.O.B.). So yeah, I'm pretty sure it's an inside job. We're through the looking glass here people, and the looking glass is broken.